 I read with interest, Love and Logic’s Jedd Hafer’s entry in
this week’s newsletter to parents in regards to handling sibling rivalry. The
one thing that he stated that I agree with is that the argument belongs to
the children, not the parents. I even
support his position that the adult caregivers should state the obvious to the
kids by saying, “It sounds like you guys are having a problem (getting along)
and it will be interesting to see how you solve it.” But where Mr. Hafer has it wrong in my
opinion, is in his suggestion for what to do if the kids don’t solve it quickly
and the parents have to get involved. He
suggests that parents could charge each child $1 for each minute that the
arguing goes on. We know that discipline
is a variation of the word “disciple,” which means "to teach." So what are parents teaching their children
by charging them money for something that is a normal part of developing
sibling relationships? And what if one
child has no money to pay the penalty? Then
what? Mr. Hafer then suggests that it is
an acceptable alternative for parents to assign their own chores to children to
do as a result of the arguing. The
lesson being delivered by this advice is that the arguing is wrong and deserves
punishment in the form of a monetary penalty or hard labor. Taking a different approach to this challenge, pediatrician Dr.
William Sears writes in his book, “The Successful Child,” that arguing is a
normal part of growing up with siblings and parents should not intervene in
minor squabbles. If the conflict grows
to a larger eruption, the parent’s job is to help each child express his or her
feelings to the other in a more civil tone and in a way that can be
understood. In my Love, Limits, &
Lessons® program for parents, I suggest that an explosive argument between
siblings is an expression that they have had enough of each other and may both
need a break. Moving each child to a
different area to calm down is not the same as sending them to timeout, but simply
a way to give them an opportunity to cool off a bit until they are ready to
communicate more effectively. Managing arguments between siblings should not call for
gimmicks, nor should it call for punitive actions against the children for
something that is normal. If the arguing
is difficult for the adults to deal with and ear plugs are doing the trick,
then it’s time for the parents to offer some conflict resolution guidance. And if that isn’t working or the parents aren’t
equipped to do the training, then a consequence may be in order. But the consequence must be tied directly to
the arguing, such as a cooling off period, not money or an adult's chores. |
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Categories7 Habits of Highly Effective PeopleAttention Creativity Discipline LIstening Parent Education Parenting Positive Parenting Present awareness Project School school age Spanking Teens Toddlers and Preschoolers
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